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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Political over-education

You know you've overdone it when...

Solom: Come ON, Zain, we're leaving!

Zain: Are we going to the PAAARK?

Solom: No, we're going to the GYMKHANA.

Zain: Nooo, we're going to the GYMRAN KHAN.

Monday, September 22, 2014

On effective communication

Got Al-Husband to reluctantly bring a Kit Kat for me last night. Eighteen hours later...

Me: Jaani, could you get me a Mars bar, please?

Al-Husband (eyes popping, blowing his cheeks out, gesturing at my waist, raising his arms like wings): FLAMBOOGAN!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Manners: a generation role reversal

Me to Zain: Nahin karo, takiya gir jaey ga... nahin karo, NAHIN KARO!

Zain to me: Actually you should say, "Could you please not do that?"

*appropriately chastised*

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Political education win

Solom: We will go to the PRO-test because the rulers of Pakistan cheated. We will say GO NAWAZ GO and Nawaz will go. Because he helped the rulers to cheat. And Imran Khan will be there to help us. He is the man.

Zain: Noooo. We will go to the PRO-test and we'll say JAMERAZGO and the BUZZY BEE will buzz off to Emerald Tower!

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Political education fail

Two days ago, we took our boys to a protest against election rigging. We explained to them on the way that a group of people were getting together to show their anger because the people ruling Pakistan cheated to become the rulers. And as the boys know, cheating is not a nice thing to do.

Fast forward to today. Solom and Al-Husband are playing Snakes and Ladders.

Al-Husband: SULEIMAN. You are constantly cheating!!!

Solom: But Baba, I want to become the ruler of Pakistan.


Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Hunger pangs

2.30 am.

Zain: Mama, I think I'm hungryyyy.

Me: Of course you're hungry. Did you eat when Shazia was trying to feed you at Ammoni's house? No, you didn't. She told you, I told you, but did you listen? No! You ran up and down, screaming, and in the meantime your brother sat with Shazia and ate his dinner. Did you? No. Where is your brother now? He's asleep! Is he hungry? No. And what are you doing? You've obviously woken up at 2.30 am, expecting that food should be arranged for you in the middle of the night! All of this has happened because you don't listen!!

*Zain stares contemplatively at the ceiling, then stands up*

Zain: Mama, this is the correct answer: I'm going to have lunch!

Friday, July 18, 2014

It's a kind of magic

Zain (swishing an imaginary wand at my mother): "Abracadabra! You've become a mouse!"

*turns to me*

"Abracadabra! You've become a woman!"

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Badtameez birthday

Conversation between me and our friend Kerry from Islamabad.

Kerry: So how old are you now? 25?

Me: 17! Always 17!

Kerry: 17?! Wow, looks can really be deceiving.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

No life with wife


Zain: Naaaaah.

Solom: But he IS!

Zain: Baba is not a husband. He's a MAN.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Oh, man!

Conversation over lunch.

Me: Could you please come closer; I cannot feed you from so far away. This is the last time in my LIFE that I'm telling you this!!

Solom: But MAMA, your life is your HUSBAND.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Games people play

Zain, directing a flashlight at me and hopping around: Shoo! Shoo! Shoo shoo shoo shoo!

Me: What are you doing?

Zain: I'm shooting you, bad guy.

Me: You're saying, "SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT"??

Zain: Yeees! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Me: Stop that and leave the room right now!

Zain, exiting room with satisfied expression: SHOOTEN!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Midnight on a Sunday

Wow. What a day. About to go in for a shower, but I just have to say, I honestly feel like my legs are semi-detached at the knees and about to fall off. This mothering thing is tough, man. IT'S TOUGH.


Thursday, May 15, 2014

On advertising

Conversation with Al-Husband while eating dinner.

Me: "BLEAGH. The laundry detergent's seeped through the roti cloth into the rotis. They're tasting of Surf!"

Al-Husband: "Ab safaee na sirif bahar se ho gi, balkay andar se bhi! ARIEL - mukammal safaee!"

Monday, March 31, 2014

On Instant Gratification

Zainoo: HEYYY. Where's BABAAA?

Me: He's gone to the bathroom.

Zain: Then we better get ANOTHER ONE.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

On procr-ass-tination

Email conversation with my Managing Ed.

Me *digging up an old email thread*: Did I not send you this info?!

Omer: Nope.

Me: Wow. I have been sitting on this since the 19th of February.

Omer: It must have asphyxiated to death.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Fairy tale/Scary tale

Conversation after coming back from an evening at the theatre.

Zain: Mama, I LOVE your SHIRT!!

Me: Thank you, baby!

Solom: You know MAMA, you look like SNOW WHITE.

Me (twirling in front of mirror): Wow, thank you, jaani!

Solom: Please take the shirt off so I can give it to my teacher. I love her.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

On school admissions

Me: So Zainoo, we're going to the big school for an interview tomorrow!

Zainoo: Yes.

Me: So if they ask you what your favourite song is, what will you say?

Zainoo: The Dora Goes to Office song.

Me: Dora goes where?? Can you sing it for me?

Zainoo *breaking into song*:

Dora goes to office
And she's not afraid
The car goes dhuzhh!
We have to be careful
Or it will RUN OVER US
It will CRUSH US
And... she dies!

Needless to say, I'm pinning my hopes on our alternative-choice school now.