The long view

Solom: Mama, I will now ask you a GENIUS QUESTION. You can only TRY to answer it.

Me: Bolo.

Solom: WHICH ONE OF THESE *pause for dramatic effect* IS A CRYSTAL? a) a raindrop b) a snowflake c) a hailstone

Me: Snowflake.

Solom stares at me in a displeased fashion, which means it's the correct answer.

Me: What does this make your Mama?

Solom: A genius. BUT YOU KNOW, MAMA, you SHOULD know this... it's only for CLASS THREE students. And you've passed CLASS SIX.

Son Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Solom and Zain handed me this lovely envelope today.

Instant love. Opened it, to find this beauty inside. Apparently written by Solom but DICTATED BY ZAIN, WHO IS CLEARLY FEELING GUILTY FOR THE OTHER DAY HAHA.

Here's the text, for the optically challenged:

Dear Mama,

I love you Mama very much. And have a nice birthday, which is next year. It is okay if you fall sick, I will be there to help you.

*RAINBOW*

Bring it on, BAHU! Saasu Ma's ready, yo!

Good training has backfired.

Conversation between me and Zain.

Me: Zaaaaiiiin.

Zain: I love you, Mamaaaa.

Me: Zain, when Mama gets old and sick, will you take care of herrrr?

Zain: Yes, Mama, I will *kiss*

Me: And what if your wife says no, you can't take care of your mother? Will you listen to herrrr?

Zain: Ummm... maybe! Yes, I will!

Me: Why.

Zain: BECAAAUSE, I'm not ONLY the bossk of the home! I'm not the only bossk!


(A faint voice calls along the breeze, "Karmaisabiiiiiitch...")

What's in a name?

Conversation about our niece - my children's only first cousin.

Solom: I can't wait for Sophia to come home so I can make her smile.

Me: Awww. Solom, if Sophie has a baby sister, will you love her as much as you love Sophie?

Solom: Yes!

Me: Okay, boys let's pretend, if Sophie had a baby sister, what would you name her?

Zain: SHAHID AFRIDI.

Cloudy, with a chance of epiphanies

This happened while I was trying to feed Zainoo spicy meatballs.

Zain (turning his head away): I'm done.

Me: Zainooo!

Solom (from under the dining table): ZAIN, do you KNOW people are CRYING because they don't have enough FOOD??

Zain: THEN WE'D BETTER LEAVE SOME FOR THEM, SULEIMAN.

On digging a hole for oneself

Conversation while feeding the boys lunch.

Me: Zainoo's my baby. And Solom's my FIRST baby! Mama's two..?

Solom: Fat.

Early boyhood education

Solom (beaming): Today Raina sat next to me.

Me: Oh, good! Does she like you now?

Solom: I don't know. She told me to move my chair a little to the left, and I did as I was told.

Ciiiiircle of life

At the mall today. Conversation between my mother and my son.

Amma (looking proudly at Solom and Zain): My little sweethearts! What will I do when you grow older?

Solom (blinking earnestly): When we grow older, you'll be lying flat on the ground and then they'll bury you.

Political over-education

You know you've overdone it when...


Solom: Come ON, Zain, we're leaving!

Zain: Are we going to the PAAARK?

Solom: No, we're going to the GYMKHANA.

Zain: Nooo, we're going to the GYMRAN KHAN.

On effective communication

Got Al-Husband to reluctantly bring a Kit Kat for me last night. Eighteen hours later...


Me: Jaani, could you get me a Mars bar, please?

Al-Husband (eyes popping, blowing his cheeks out, gesturing at my waist, raising his arms like wings): FLAMBOOGAN!

Manners: a generation role reversal

Me to Zain: Nahin karo, takiya gir jaey ga... nahin karo, NAHIN KARO!

Zain to me: Actually you should say, "Could you please not do that?"

*appropriately chastised*

Political education win

Solom: We will go to the PRO-test because the rulers of Pakistan cheated. We will say GO NAWAZ GO and Nawaz will go. Because he helped the rulers to cheat. And Imran Khan will be there to help us. He is the man.

Zain: Noooo. We will go to the PRO-test and we'll say JAMERAZGO and the BUZZY BEE will buzz off to Emerald Tower!

Political education fail

Two days ago, we took our boys to a protest against election rigging. We explained to them on the way that a group of people were getting together to show their anger because the people ruling Pakistan cheated to become the rulers. And as the boys know, cheating is not a nice thing to do.

Fast forward to today. Solom and Al-Husband are playing Snakes and Ladders.

Al-Husband: SULEIMAN. You are constantly cheating!!!

Solom: But Baba, I want to become the ruler of Pakistan.

*facepalm*

Hunger pangs

2.30 am.

Zain: Mama, I think I'm hungryyyy.

Me: Of course you're hungry. Did you eat when Shazia was trying to feed you at Ammoni's house? No, you didn't. She told you, I told you, but did you listen? No! You ran up and down, screaming, and in the meantime your brother sat with Shazia and ate his dinner. Did you? No. Where is your brother now? He's asleep! Is he hungry? No. And what are you doing? You've obviously woken up at 2.30 am, expecting that food should be arranged for you in the middle of the night! All of this has happened because you don't listen!!

*Zain stares contemplatively at the ceiling, then stands up*

Zain: Mama, this is the correct answer: I'm going to have lunch!

It's a kind of magic

Zain (swishing an imaginary wand at my mother): "Abracadabra! You've become a mouse!"

*turns to me*

"Abracadabra! You've become a woman!"

Badtameez birthday

Conversation between me and our friend Kerry from Islamabad.


Kerry: So how old are you now? 25?

Me: 17! Always 17!

Kerry: 17?! Wow, looks can really be deceiving.

No life with wife

Solom: BABA is MAMA'S HUSBAND.

Zain: Naaaaah.

Solom: But he IS!

Zain: Baba is not a husband. He's a MAN.

Oh, man!

Conversation over lunch.

Me: Could you please come closer; I cannot feed you from so far away. This is the last time in my LIFE that I'm telling you this!!

Solom: But MAMA, your life is your HUSBAND.

Games people play

Zain, directing a flashlight at me and hopping around: Shoo! Shoo! Shoo shoo shoo shoo!

Me: What are you doing?

Zain: I'm shooting you, bad guy.

Me: You're saying, "SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT"??

Zain: Yeees! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Me: Stop that and leave the room right now!

Zain, exiting room with satisfied expression: SHOOTEN!

On advertising

Conversation with Al-Husband while eating dinner.

Me: "BLEAGH. The laundry detergent's seeped through the roti cloth into the rotis. They're tasting of Surf!"

Al-Husband: "Ab safaee na sirif bahar se ho gi, balkay andar se bhi! ARIEL - mukammal safaee!"